Today is my birthday. I’m 20 years old, give or take 25 years. Who’s counting?
A couple days ago, I started feeling distressed. I began weighing my adult years against the accomplishments (or the lack thereof) in those years. Perfect thing to do right before a birthday, yes? Well, if you’re feeling you’re exactly where you want to be in life then, yes. If you’re feeling like you’re a day late and a dollar short then, no.
Can anyone tell me why, with all the good we have in our lives, all the love from family and friends, the voice of the enemy can still be so loud? Approaching my birthday, I didn’t recount all that I have accomplished—raising wonderful children, marrying an incredible man, tackling college later in life, starting a business. No, I thought about how it took me so long to finally go to college, how though I started a business, I still feel like I don’t have clear-cut direction, and though I’m a part of various ministries in my church, I still feel like I’m not helping people. Y’all. The enemy was on the move. He is so cunning and discouraging—relentless in his efforts to snuff out all joy. He’s a real jerk, honestly, and I can’t wait until God has His final way with him. In the meantime, the enemy “roams about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.” And though he didn’t devour me completely, he sure did feast on my insecurities for a time.
I teared up to my husband last night and expressed my pain and discontent. I shared with him what he already knew which is why I tend to fall into these pits of despair. I’ve had a negative voice from the time I was 16 telling me I am nothing, telling me that as result of my poor choices, I will be a failure in life. God has graciously distanced this person and his voice of doom and gloom, but even though the knife is taken out, the wound remains.
I woke up today, starting my 45th spin around the sun, healthy, safe, warm, and loved. My husband woke up beside me and whispered “Happy birthday, Babe” in my ear. My children woke up healthy and strong. My sisters texted me happy birthday wishes and said they look forward to celebrating with me later this week. My mom called me and sang, “Happy Birthday, Bridgy!” like she faithfully does every year. My social media was flooded with messages of good birthday wishes and expressions of how much I’m appreciated.
Should God grant me a long life, and I’m lying on my deathbed at the ripe old age of 90-something, I doubt I’ll look back on the things I didn’t accomplish. I doubt that will be the time I lament my shortcomings and failures. People wish they won’t do that as they approach the end of their lives, but I’m believing God that I won’t. Because I’m committing to drowning out the voice of the enemy for the remainder of my years. As I mentioned earlier, Satan is a relentless jerk. So, I have no doubt he’ll do his darndest to try to get me to spend my last days considering all that I should’ve done or all that I’ve done poorly. But my God is bigger. He’s stronger. His love for me knows no bounds. He has covered and sheltered me with His wing.
How will I spend my 45th year? What will I see and do? What will I accomplish? What won’t I accomplish? Who will I help? I don’t know. But I do know Whom I will serve. I will serve the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will serve the God who has, time and time again, come to the aid of the ones He loves. I will serve the God who has used the most flawed “greats” of the Bible to further His kingdom. I will serve the God who will walk hand in hand with me every day, guiding me, knowing me, and loving me. I will serve the God who will graciously forgive all my sins, make up for all my short-comings, and multiply all my efforts—for my good and for His glory. And because I will serve that God, whenever I do take my final breath, I will rest easy knowing that I’ve lived the life He wanted me to live. You can’t go wrong when you’re a child of the King and surrender your life to His perfect will. But surrendering is not a one-time thing. It is a daily act. It is a moment by moment act—one that requires focus, patience, and humility. I run low on all of those quite frequently. But “the Lord is my shepherd” and because He is, “my cup overflows.”
So, come on, 45! Come on, grays! Come on, random, inexplicable body aches. Let’s get at it!!!
My thought is that my birthday is 1 week from today, and I wish I could copy and paste this because this is exactly how I feel about my life. Thank you for sharing. You have touched more lives with your words during this very difficult year than you will ever know. Happy Birthday!!